B. Oh my God! That was so moist and delicious!

C. These stretch marks on your loaf are no good.

D. Looks like the creaming needs to happen more on your filling.

E. A few drops of lemon juice would balance the saltiness of your sauce.

F. It’s… rubbery. The texture isn’t what I was looking for.

G. Can you french this breast?

In school: A, B, C, D, E, F, G
When freaky: A, B, C, D, E, F, G

2. Watched seasons 1-5 of The Wire.

3. Explained to people that although my degree is in English, I don’t want to be a teacher.

4. Realized that regularly using the word “pedantic” is pedantic. And douchey.

5. Lectured on the socioeconomic themes and use of heteroglossia found in Wuthering Heights to no one in particular.

6. Despite No. 3, occasionally browsed the Internet for teaching positions in inner-city communities that don’t require certification. Or Europe.

7. Found evidence of the deterioration of the post-postmodern novel on the back of the Fruit Loops box.

8. Taken full advantage of the McRib before it goes back in the Disney Vault.

9. Used my paper on Xenophon’s The Education of Cyrus as an example of one experience that has adequately prepared me to sell insurance, sir.

10. Became a printing press operator.

by Dan Rozier

Come down and do it about 4 or 5 times.

Count to 40 and then turn it on. Turn it off!

Just keep smashing it in there.

Feel that heat?

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere

2.

I’d like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d
Rather stay awake when I’m asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

3.

If the bombs go off
The sun will still be shining
Because we’ve heard it said that every mushroom cloud
Has a silver lining

4.

High rise, veins of the avenue
Bright eyes and subtle variations of blue
Everywhere is balanced there like a rainbow above you

5.

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower bomb perfume
All my clothes smell like you cause your favorite shade is navy blue

Answers:
Owl City lyrics: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Really bad songwriting: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

by Hansel McRobertsworth

On a DVD stashed under your son’s mattress

The Peruvian Amazon

In that man’s pants, as suggested by the arrow on his wacky T-shirt

In a forced conversation about childhood nostalgia

by Kristin Hillery

by J.D. Smith

by Jamie King

by Jamie King

Product Placement Overdrive

Almost Straight to Video Rom-Com

Serious English Actor Goes for Action Film Payday

Tyler Perry Again Gets Way, Way, Way More than His Money’s Worth Out of that Friggin’ Dress

Documentary Attended by People with Prim Expressions and NPR Tote Bags

That French Flick with Subtitles and Bare Ta-Tas

What the Makers Insist on Calling a Film, Based on a/an (check all that apply):
a. Toy
b. Video game
c. Saturday morning cartoon
d. Amusement park ride

100 Minutes of Leering at Megan Fox, Whom You Will Never Meet, Let Alone Get With

Feature Actually Conceived in a Screenwriter’s Mind Rather than a Boardroom, or “The Fluke”

by J.D. Smith

Creative Commons licensed - by Hank Ryan

Deniophobia – Fear of someone refusing your friend request
Omguhohphobia – Fear of dropping your iPhone in the toilet while texting and urinating
Packyourknivesandgophobia – Fear of being voted out of your job, relationship or family
Didyoumeanophobia - Fear of Googling yourself and receiving no results
Untaggophobia – Fear of appearing on the internet without your approval
Tweetophobia – Fear of speaking more than 140 words at one time
Salomonophobia – Fear of appearing in a sex tape
Flavoraphobia – Fear of someday being forced to marry Flavor Flav on television
Lolophobia – Fear of being required to communicate in acronyms you do not understand

by Jamie King