Don't touch that. It's filled with staph. | photo by Greg Dunham

Have you gotten this new book? “Why Women Have Sex.” To get the answer, order 10, sildenafil 000 women were polled. But… all of them had a headache.

There’s a man in Thailand who’s keeping over 4, advice 000 scorpions in his home as pets. 4,000 scorpions. The guy’s wife is fine with it until they start nightly rehearsals of “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

They’ve found dangerous staph germs at five different beaches on the West Coast. Pretty shocking, really — I didn’t know they were already filming another season of One Shot at Love.

Sleep-deprived doctors in Australia have been told to just drink up to six cups of coffee a day to stay awake. Luckily Starbucks is already out with a solution: IV Drip.

World’s oldest woman died at the age of 115 this week. Detroit breathed a sigh of relief, as the lifetime powertrain warranty on her Chrysler Sebring finally expired.

Guitar Hero 5 is coming out soon. Apparently you can use Kurt Cobain’s avatar to play any song. Yeah, Courtney Love and former Nirvana members are not happy about this — they feel it’s the latest in a string of insults to his memory, including Remington Never Fail Shotgun Shells, Smells Like Teen Spirit Deodorant, and Rape Me Brand Pepper Spray.

Disney World is going to get a “Fantasyland Facelift” — changes will be complete by 2013. While they’re in there, Jessica Rabbit will get vaginal rejuvenation.

Are you happy with your wireless connection? Well, don’t go to South Africa. A company found that a carrier pigeon delivers data much faster than the country’s leading internet service provider. This is bad news for many South African internet users, who will need to breed pigeons large enough to carry an entire Inglorious Basterds bittorrent.

by Hansel McRobertsworth

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’ HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, treatment but only if you’re using it ironically.
* Mario is a sellout, sale
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, oncologist
a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu