by Todd Mein

by Todd Mein

by Todd Mein

by Todd Mein

Creative Commons licensed - Attribution No Derivs - by Frank Vest

Let’s cut to the chase about all these “socialist agenda” accusations Conservatives are heaving at Obama. It seems to me that the same people screaming SOCIALISM! at every chance are the same showing up to church every Sunday after six-and-a-half days of being championship assholes.

The thing is, orthopedist these people believe with all their black, there spider-infested hearts that they will go to Heaven, online and the liberal vermin will all go straight to hell where they will burn for eternity with a devil who bares a striking resemblance to Hillary Clinton. Especially because that devil is always wearing pantsuits.

Anyway, every community needs some kind of economy, and heaven is surely no exception. You want to hire those angels on the corner to build a multi-million dollar mansion with tennis courts, a boat dock, and platinum-plated walls up there on that lush, 30-acre cloud that boasts panoramic views of Jupiter? Nope, sorry. Everyone gets the same cookie-cutter home in Heaven: a standard one-story with granite countertops and beige tile backsplash. Don’t even think of changing your showerhead to one of those massager ones — that wouldn’t be fair. Hungry? Better wait until the next meal time. Mmm, hope we’re having bread and lentils again!

That’s right: In Heaven, the wealth is shared and everybody is equal. Same house, same robe, same sandals. It’s essentially a socialist country. Imagine the look on Conservatives’ faces when they get up there and are handed a month’s worth of meal tickets and a yearly doctor’s appointment time scheduled 11 months in advance. Oh, but it gets better. In Heaven, there’s one supreme ruler, and you had better listen to him. What God wants, God gets. And if you’re not cool with that, you can go to hell, where it may be incredibly hot all the time, but everyone is working as hard as they can, screwing each other over whenever possible in order to make their own life better.

Sound familiar? Hell is just like America.

by Dennis Mueller
visit
Copyright 2009″ width=”498″ height=”513″ />

by Todd Mein

by Jamie King
sildenafil
Copyright 2009″ width=”498″ height=”174″ />

by Todd Mein

Don't touch that. It's filled with staph. | photo by Greg Dunham

Have you gotten this new book? “Why Women Have Sex.” To get the answer, order 10, sildenafil 000 women were polled. But… all of them had a headache.

There’s a man in Thailand who’s keeping over 4, advice 000 scorpions in his home as pets. 4,000 scorpions. The guy’s wife is fine with it until they start nightly rehearsals of “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

They’ve found dangerous staph germs at five different beaches on the West Coast. Pretty shocking, really — I didn’t know they were already filming another season of One Shot at Love.

Sleep-deprived doctors in Australia have been told to just drink up to six cups of coffee a day to stay awake. Luckily Starbucks is already out with a solution: IV Drip.

World’s oldest woman died at the age of 115 this week. Detroit breathed a sigh of relief, as the lifetime powertrain warranty on her Chrysler Sebring finally expired.

Guitar Hero 5 is coming out soon. Apparently you can use Kurt Cobain’s avatar to play any song. Yeah, Courtney Love and former Nirvana members are not happy about this — they feel it’s the latest in a string of insults to his memory, including Remington Never Fail Shotgun Shells, Smells Like Teen Spirit Deodorant, and Rape Me Brand Pepper Spray.

Disney World is going to get a “Fantasyland Facelift” — changes will be complete by 2013. While they’re in there, Jessica Rabbit will get vaginal rejuvenation.

Are you happy with your wireless connection? Well, don’t go to South Africa. A company found that a carrier pigeon delivers data much faster than the country’s leading internet service provider. This is bad news for many South African internet users, who will need to breed pigeons large enough to carry an entire Inglorious Basterds bittorrent.

by Hansel McRobertsworth

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’ HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, treatment but only if you’re using it ironically.
* Mario is a sellout, sale
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, oncologist
a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu
order Copyright 2009″ width=”453″ height=”181″ />

by Todd Mein

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.” photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, neurosurgeon
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, search but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.” photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, capsule
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, pills
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” —Costco
2. “Wood to the last flop” —Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” —The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” —QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Thaddius Dance IV

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, sickness
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, noun
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’ HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, visit web
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, no rx but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.” photo by

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, salve
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, pills
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, cheap
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, what is ed
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, viagra sale
a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, order
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, syringe
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, tadalafil but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, drugs
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, medicine
a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, prostate
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, women’s health
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’ HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, medicine
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, order
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’ HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, prostate
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* Mario is a sellout, case
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” –Costo
2. “Wood to the last flop” –Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” –The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” –QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Thaddius IV

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” —Costo
2. “Wood to the last flop” —Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” —The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” —QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Tap Dance

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” —Costo
2. “Wood to the last flop” —Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” —The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” —QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Tap Dance

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” —Costco
2. “Wood to the last flop” —Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” —The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” —QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Tap Dance

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” —Costco
2. “Wood to the last flop” —Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” —The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” —QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Tap Dance
advice
Copyright 2009″ width=”490″ height=”490″ />

by Todd Mein

Master Baker

Beverly Hills Podiatrist

Cobblers!

America’s Got Ballast

Blanching with the Stars

Hell’s Haberdashery

Top Sexual Surrogate

by J.D. Smith
order
Copyright 2009″ width=”453″ height=”181″ />

by Todd Mein

by Todd Mein

by Todd Mein