Singapore has developed a videogame that engages kids in environmental issues. In the game, information pills players have to protect Singapore against mosquito-like aliens. Kids who aren’t able to beat the game will face the death penalty.

NASA isn’t too happy about all the hysteria the new movie 2012 is drumming up about the end of the world. They’re right: The end of the world will come the day someone cares about NASA.

Anybody into carbon trading? Well, activists say it’s bad for the environment and could even lead to a financial collapse. Great. I guess I’ll just throw all of these receipts out the window on my way home tonight.

There’s a new 11-part nature series on the BBC called “Life” — it’ll be narrated by Oprah Winfrey. Spoiler alert! At the end of the first episode, every lion in the audience gets a free dead zebra.

An airport in England has announced plans to run a bus with a fuel produced from decomposing organic waste. I had no idea Kirstie Alley was overseas.

Someone will quit the Glee Club, discount rx then rejoin when they realize [extracurricular activity] is a poor replacement.

The sensitive quarterback will get in touch with his emotions through song.

And his uptight, medications prissy cheerleader girlfriend will chill out a little bit — there’s more to life than competition.

The gay kid will continue to perpetuate the stereotype that all gay men are feminine, delicate, stylish, and can only identify with women.

What do you get when you take a bunch of vinegar, advice
water, thumb
and salt, boil it, pour it over a jar filled with MS-DOS, seal the jar, and let it cool for several weeks?

DILLDOS

Creative Commons licensed - by thebittenword.com

Don't touch that. It's filled with staph. | photo by Greg Dunham

Have you gotten this new book? “Why Women Have Sex.” To get the answer, sale 10,000 women were polled. But… all of them had a headache.

There’s a man in Thailand who’s keeping over 4,000 scorpions in his home as pets. 4,000 scorpions. The guy’s wife is fine with it until they start nightly rehearsals of “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

They’ve found dangerous staph germs at five different beaches on the West Coast. Pretty shocking, really — I didn’t know they were already filming another season of One Shot at Love.

Sleep-deprived doctors in Australia have been told to just drink up to six cups of coffee a day to stay awake. Luckily Starbucks is already out with a solution: IV Drip.

The world’s oldest woman died at the age of 115 this week. Detroit breathed a sigh of relief, as the lifetime powertrain warranty on her Chrysler Sebring finally expired.

Guitar Hero 5 is coming out soon. Apparently you can use Kurt Cobain’s avatar to play any song. Yeah, Courtney Love and former Nirvana members are not happy about this — they feel it’s the latest in a string of insults to his memory, including Remington Never Fail Shotgun Shells, Smells Like Teen Spirit Deodorant, and Rape Me Brand Pepper Spray.

Are you happy with your wireless connection? Well, don’t go to South Africa. A company found that a carrier pigeon delivers data much faster than the country’s leading internet service provider. This is bad news for many South African internet users, who will need to breed pigeons large enough to carry an entire Inglorious Basterds bittorrent.

Disney World is getting a “Fantasyland Facelift” — changes will be complete by 2013. While they’re in there, Jessica Rabbit will get vaginal rejuvenation.

by Hansel McRobertsworth

At a Florida McDonald’s, human enhancement an employee’s daughter slapped a customer who complained about his food. Turns out the young lady was just trying to help. It was Take Your Daughter to Work Day, sickness and she thought he had ordered the McBitchslap.

Brett Favre has come out of retirement yet again — this time he signed with the Minnesota Vikings. “This is really, really, really, really good news. We should definitely keep talking about it a lot,” commented Michael Vick.

Over 600 firefighters and soldiers are trying to control fires around the suburbs of Athens, Greece that have been going on for days. The fires may have been put out sooner if they had been using water instead of baba ghanouj.

Whole Foods CEO John Mackey upset a lot of shoppers in favor of Obama’s health-care plan when he wrote an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal that criticized the plan. Bloggers called for a boycott of the grocery chain, but several were left with no choice but to shop at the store when they realized they were out of tofurkey and two-bite brownies.

by Hansel McRobertsworth

“Why not?” asks Walter Cronkite.

The bartender replies, “That’s the way it is.”