Don't touch that. It's filled with staph. | photo by Greg Dunham

Have you gotten this new book? “Why Women Have Sex.” To get the answer, order 10, sildenafil 000 women were polled. But… all of them had a headache.

There’s a man in Thailand who’s keeping over 4, advice 000 scorpions in his home as pets. 4,000 scorpions. The guy’s wife is fine with it until they start nightly rehearsals of “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

They’ve found dangerous staph germs at five different beaches on the West Coast. Pretty shocking, really — I didn’t know they were already filming another season of One Shot at Love.

Sleep-deprived doctors in Australia have been told to just drink up to six cups of coffee a day to stay awake. Luckily Starbucks is already out with a solution: IV Drip.

World’s oldest woman died at the age of 115 this week. Detroit breathed a sigh of relief, as the lifetime powertrain warranty on her Chrysler Sebring finally expired.

Guitar Hero 5 is coming out soon. Apparently you can use Kurt Cobain’s avatar to play any song. Yeah, Courtney Love and former Nirvana members are not happy about this — they feel it’s the latest in a string of insults to his memory, including Remington Never Fail Shotgun Shells, Smells Like Teen Spirit Deodorant, and Rape Me Brand Pepper Spray.

Disney World is going to get a “Fantasyland Facelift” — changes will be complete by 2013. While they’re in there, Jessica Rabbit will get vaginal rejuvenation.

Are you happy with your wireless connection? Well, don’t go to South Africa. A company found that a carrier pigeon delivers data much faster than the country’s leading internet service provider. This is bad news for many South African internet users, who will need to breed pigeons large enough to carry an entire Inglorious Basterds bittorrent.

by Hansel McRobertsworth

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.”

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’ HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, treatment but only if you’re using it ironically.
* Mario is a sellout, sale
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, oncologist
a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license
photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu
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by Todd Mein

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.” photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, neurosurgeon
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, search but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

“My favorite TV show is cocaine.” photo by Pierre LaScott / illustration by Adam Avramescu

Jusss’anotha week and it’s time for yr dose of tr00f. Lis’n up & haig’n out: Isssss this_weex’

HPSTR 4CST

* MySpace: In, capsule
but only if you’re using it ironically.
* 100% chance of waiting too long for your coffee at Spider House.
* Mario is a sellout, pills
but Luigi is totes indie.
* Totes are totes amazers.
* 30% chance of flaking the fuck out.
* Jeans tightness index: 37 microns per 1% body fat.

And donchuevah forget, a hipster is a friend indied.

by Adam Avramescu
first published in That Other Paper – Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial NoDerivs 3.0 license

1. “Give a fulk! Buy in bulk!” —Costco
2. “Wood to the last flop” —Viagra (Pfizer)
3. “We sing good things to fife” –Western Massachusetts Colonial Fife Chorus
4. “You’re not fully clean until you’re deloused-in-a-high-pressure-bleach-spray-fully clean” —The High-Pressure Bleach Spray Council
5. “Where’s the queef?” —QueefCorp, a division of Amalgamated Genital Flatulae Industries, Inc.

by Admiral Thaddius Dance IV

Creative Commons licensed - by Detlef C

Shaquille O’neal is in a middle coach seat. He is so tall that his knees touch the top of the headrest in front of him, drug even though his feet are flat on the ground. His head touches the part where the lights/air vents are, yet his face is an inch from his knees. On either side of shaq are two ridiculously fat guys. It is like a fat sandwich with Shaquille O’neal as the meat; every cubic inch of that row of seats is filled with flesh.

Creative Commons licensed - by Keith Allison

Because the row containing Shaq and the fat guys is so heavy, the plane has to be balanced out by seating an elephant in the row opposite them. The elephant is very loud, and it makes the plane ride even more uncomfortable for Mr. O’neal.

The rest of the plane’s 223 seats are filled with clowns.

(With the exception of one seat in first class, in which actor Gary Sinese sits. He is kind of serious, so it is weird to see him amongst so many clowns.)

The flight attendant gets pretty annoyed because every time she asks a clown what he wants to drink, he says, “Seltzer,” and proceeds to spray such at her from a flower on his lapel. And every time she asks a clown if he wants a blanket, he says, “I already have one up my sleeve!” and proceeds to pull out an endless rope of colorful handkerchiefs. The plane is soon messy with the clowns’ props.

etc./to be continued

“Hi, thumb I’m the Vermont state quarter! I felt the best image to illustrate my state was one of a serene forest in which a young man is masturbating into buckets, filling them with semen, and nailing them to the trees! Freedom and unity, BEHOLD!”

Someone else: It’s rife with powerful, herpes positive connotations.

Me: It’s like a thrusting cock of justice.

Someone else: lol

Me: Sorry, search a thrusting cock of gender equality.

Me: Something about a “spasming vagina” doesn’t seem as cool

Someone else: It’s like an arching back of orgasmic deliverance.