Top Hat Tap Dance

by iboy_daniel

Don’t Buy: Swiss, treatment Jack, doctor and Cheddar Cheese Cubes ($5.99 per pint)

Cheese cubes are far overpriced because of the phenomenal costs involved in maintaining a farm, feeding cows, and processing cheese. Add to that the costs of freshness and cubing, and you’re paying a small army of workers and cows for a snack that only a haughty few enjoy for more than a few seconds.

Buy Instead: Marshmallows ($2.99 per gigantic bag)

This can be fun! Marshmallows are bigger, sweeter, and roughly the same shape. Food coloring ($1.99 per vial) can be used for the illusion of cheese and some work with a knife can turn some of the ecstasy-puffs into hole-y faux-Swiss cheese.

Don’t Buy: Shrimp Cocktail ($12.99 per pound)

The magic of Shrimp Cocktail is entirely in its presentation. Though it tastes fine, most people really only love seeing an ice-filled glass with chilled food sticking out. Most people don’t even notice the gross dead undersea things.

Buy Instead: Bananas ($2.99 per pound)

Bananas are even bigger than shrimps! And everybody loves their taste. Just stick them upright in a bowl full of ice with cocktail sauce for dipping and, if people even notice the difference, they won’t even care.

Don’t Buy: Babaghanouj ($6.99 for a 12oz. container)

This tasty Mediterranean snack is loaded with salt, which means you’ll eat a tub-full before you realize it’s gone. Despite being made from eggplant and oil, the exact seasonings and delicate preparation involved drive the cost of this quickly-disappearing treat sky high.

Buy Instead: Butter ($2.99 for a half-pound container)

Butter tastes great and you can tell your investment banker friends that it’s some fancy cheese from France. No one will dare call you on it. You can put it on crackers, on pita, or just eat it with a spoon. Lick it off of your fingers, and you can even grease a frying pan with the leftovers.

Don’t Buy: Marinara Sauce ($4.29 per jar), Cocktail Sauce ($6.99 per jar), Salsa ($3.99 per jar), Tobasco Sauce ($2.99 for a small vial)

The “Mad Men” of the marketing industry have long maintained the myth that different foods need different sauces and that consumers like you need to shell out money for completely different spices. Don’t fill your whole kitchen cabinet with jar after jar of slightly different rouges. The truth is that most red sauces are the same.

Buy Instead: Ketchup ($3.99 per quart)

There’s no better way to help revive the American economy than by buying a lot of our national condiment. Made from everyone’s favorite fruit, the tomato, this miracle sauce livens everything up from hot dogs and hamburgers to nachos and steak.

Don’t Buy: Brie ($10.99 for a six-inch wheel)

This dripping, oozing monstrosity always causes problems for well-intentioned party hosts. It’s overpriced for marketing reasons only, and only after people put a dollop of it on a cracker do they realize it doesn’t taste nearly as good as the fancy name suggests.

Buy Instead: Chips Ahoy ($2.99 for a bag)

They taste better.

Don’t Buy: Organic Salmon Roe Sushi ($16.99 for two rolls)

The carbon footprint alone should be a reason to avoid such a purchase. Besides the shipping costs required to keep the raw fish eggs fresh, the high cost of production makes this a luxury item to skip.

Buy Instead: Lychees ($5.99 for a bag of 30)

You will seem so cultured and exotic with this Japanese fruit at your affair. It’s a fact that most people can’t taste the difference between Organic Salmon Roe and California Roll anyway, so why waste your money on particular fish dishes when this exotic finger food will do the trick? Also, lychees come with free seeds with which you could theoretically grow your own lychees!

Don’t Buy: Lychees ($5.99 for a bag of 30)

These weird Japanese creatures will confuse your guests and come off as pompous and strange. Though sweet, the large size of the seed will make most guests disappointed with the paltry size of the actual fruit and leave many awkwardly spitting in public.

Buy Instead: Skittles ($1.99 for a one-pound bag)

Sweeter than lychees and completely seedless, these candies’ familiar taste will be greeted warmly by your guests. And you’ll become the most attractive person at your party when your guests’ mouths turn an unhealthy-looking mix of red, blue, and orange.

by Will Newman