Top Hat Tap Dance

A. It’s way too hard. Let it sit out for 20 to 30 minutes. B. Oh my God! That was so moist and delicious! C. These stretch marks on your loaf are no good. D. Looks like the creaming needs to happen more on your filling. E. A few drops of lemon juice would balance [...]

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1. Broke the world record for saying “I’m seriously considering law school.” 2. Watched seasons 1-5 of The Wire. 3. Explained to people that although my degree is in English, I don’t want to be a teacher. 4. Realized that regularly using the word “pedantic” is pedantic. And douchey. 5. Lectured on the socioeconomic themes [...]

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Poke it in and then angle it up. Come down and do it about 4 or 5 times. Count to 40 and then turn it on. Turn it off! Just keep smashing it in there. Feel that heat?

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1. You would not believe your eyes If ten million fireflies Lit up the world as I fell asleep Cause they fill the open air And leave teardrops everywhere 2. I’d like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It’s hard to say that I’d Rather stay awake when I’m asleep Because my [...]

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Tonight at 8pm on Animal Planet On a DVD stashed under your son’s mattress The Peruvian Amazon In that man’s pants, as suggested by the arrow on his wacky T-shirt In a forced conversation about childhood nostalgia by Kristin Hillery

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