Top Hat Tap Dance

Top Hat Tap Dance

More Rejected Late-Night Talk Show Monologue Jokes

September 13th, 2009 · No Comments · shortform

Dont touch that. Its filled with staph. | by Greg Dunham

Don't touch that. It's filled with staph. | photo by Greg Dunham

Have you gotten this new book? “Why Women Have Sex.” To get the answer, sale 10,000 women were polled. But… all of them had a headache.

There’s a man in Thailand who’s keeping over 4,000 scorpions in his home as pets. 4,000 scorpions. The guy’s wife is fine with it until they start nightly rehearsals of “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

They’ve found dangerous staph germs at five different beaches on the West Coast. Pretty shocking, really — I didn’t know they were already filming another season of One Shot at Love.

Sleep-deprived doctors in Australia have been told to just drink up to six cups of coffee a day to stay awake. Luckily Starbucks is already out with a solution: IV Drip.

The world’s oldest woman died at the age of 115 this week. Detroit breathed a sigh of relief, as the lifetime powertrain warranty on her Chrysler Sebring finally expired.

Guitar Hero 5 is coming out soon. Apparently you can use Kurt Cobain’s avatar to play any song. Yeah, Courtney Love and former Nirvana members are not happy about this — they feel it’s the latest in a string of insults to his memory, including Remington Never Fail Shotgun Shells, Smells Like Teen Spirit Deodorant, and Rape Me Brand Pepper Spray.

Are you happy with your wireless connection? Well, don’t go to South Africa. A company found that a carrier pigeon delivers data much faster than the country’s leading internet service provider. This is bad news for many South African internet users, who will need to breed pigeons large enough to carry an entire Inglorious Basterds bittorrent.

Disney World is getting a “Fantasyland Facelift” — changes will be complete by 2013. While they’re in there, Jessica Rabbit will get vaginal rejuvenation.

by Hansel McRobertsworth


No Comments so far ↓

There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.

Leave a Comment